The Ache

I catch your gaze from across the room.
You smile.
Drawing myself within inches of you,
I look deep into the variation of blues stamped on your iris -
Studying them as if it was the first time we met. I now realize my breathing has become labored,
And my face is flushed. Sitting close enough to feel your warmth makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
With a solicitous smile, I pray you read my mind and make the next move:

To feel your hands,
Untempered and unrestrained-
Caressing.
Skin singing,
Brain reeling,
Eyes filled with uncensored hunger.
Your smile buried in my lips.
Like finding a treasure in the sweetness of a honey suckle,
Your tongue doesn’t rest until it’s tasted every inch of my body.
Pulling for flesh,
Teeth branding skin,
A tumultuous storm of two bodies crashing together...

“What?” You give me an odd look, shattering the walls of my unspoken day dream.
I shake my head. “Nothing,“ I say,
Moving myself back and away from what I desperately want in that moment --
Afraid any excuse for lack of desire from you, will knock the wind out of me.
Trying hard to choke back tears, I ask myself,

At what point in our marriage did things fall flat -- where we became more of best friends than lovers?

I grind my teeth hoping to counteract the emptiness and feelings of rejection now present in the pit of my stomach.

“Took me going to three stores, but I got your favorite popcorn,” you smile at me, handing me a bowl of freshly popped carmel corn. “You ready to watch that movie?”

“Yeah,” I sigh, in a robotic tone, seriously disappointed that my plans of romance had been thwarted by yet another movie night.

And then, I look at you, with patches of white in your hair, and a few more lines on your face than you had when we first met; and, I wonder if there have been occasions or even years where you, too, have ached for me (the woman you first fell for, now corroded by illness)...in silence.

You put your arm around me and nuzzle closer. Kissing the top of my head, you whisper, “I love you.”
In that moment, I realize there have been a few people with whom I've had extraordinary nights of passion;
But, only one of those persons would ever drive to three different stores in search of my favorite popcorn...or to find the perfect flower for no special occasion, or make me comfort food when I am sick. This kind of person and this kind of love is hard to come by.

There are compromises in any marriage.

So tonight, if sitting cozied up next to you, eating the best popcorn, while watching the worst movie, is one of those compromises, I will gladly accept it... and consider myself blessed.

But, don't think I won't cop a feel.

You

The day He danced over you -
A performance of perfect élan.
Every movement an architected rhythm,
As He wove you into creation.
Illustrious!



(This was written as a birthday present for a friend, but I hope it may also remind others of how important and special we all are in His sight.)

His

His steel blue eyes soaked through my skin, leaving a warmth I’d never known.
His smile, a cage of butterflies unleashed into my stomach.
His voice, a fortress for my uncertainties.
His arms, my strength, my shelter,
draping around my body like a warm quilt in winter.
His large hands, interlocking with mine, making me dainty and beautiful.
His words, a bridge to unexplored terrain and new adventures awaiting me.
His feet, joining mine to dance when the rain came.
His body, a bit worn from our travels and travails, but continuing to move forward…
Side by side.
His heart… it’s the only thing missing.
Long ago, when my heart stopped beating,
He opened my chest, and placed his heart beside mine.
Before long, new life rushed to me.
With my new found vitality, the color quickly began to drain from his cheeks.
This gift was too much!
He was dying.
There was nothing to do, but return his heart to him.
I reached inside, grasping for one strong pulse.
I maneuvered and pulled, but his heart would not budge from my body.
It was attached, as if it were my own.
I reached in for one last tug
And noticed there was not one, but two pulses…
Two heartbeats!
My own heart lay there loose and detached,
as if it were a map, guiding me…
to steel blue eyes, a smile that made my stomach turn, large, gentle hands.
I was no longer my heart’s rightful owner.
I placed it inside him, gently kissing his lips, as air and life returned to him.
My heart now belonged to him.

Divided

Breathless.
Guts to the ground,
Heart in the sky,
Sun singing,
Earth crumbling...
Nothing to cling to,
But the dichotomy before this
Girlwoman.
Sunday's sermon ringing freshly in her ears
Matched against the allure of dishwater blonde hair...
Push it inside!
And golden-green eyes...
Push it deep inside
Your mind!
Where good girls guard themselves from temptation
With fire and brimstone wedged between their knees,
As the stench of hormones lingers awkwardly in the air.
Ssshh!! Don’t speak about it!!
The thought itself is sin!
A muscular arm tossing a ball,
Short, curly hair to run fingers through,
Full lips and tongues entangled...
She slaps her hand hard to stop the thoughts from overtaking her,
To escape to a place where butterflies no longer roam freely in her stomach
Whenever she thinks of this first childhood crush.
She kneels beside her bed
And dutifully repeats her nightly prayer-
Grasping for something that might release her from the grotesque feeling of being pulled in two.
And with an aching heart she cries,
Dear God, I’ll do anything. Please take away these feelings. Please don’t let me be gay.




For those children and teenagers who’ve prayed endless prayers and cried an abundance of teardrops…
God loves you, just the way you are! by Tracy Medberry Copyright 2013

One Nation Under Pharma

Fidgety digits twisting a worn-labeled bottle between winter-cracked skin.

The first meal of the day I usually sang every morning.

But, today, nothing fills my stomach, as I stare contemplatively at an empty bottle.

I hate everything for which they stand:
A prisoner among an egregious amalgamation of chemicals.

One more guinea pig trapped in a spinning hamster wheel of politics,

Where the rich pigs, fatten their bellies,

And the poor simply get hooked...

On the next best gimmick.

Snake oil, wrapped in pretty, petty, sound bites

Where emotionally solicitous poppy fields dance across my flat screen.

The scant trace - a tiny warning of side effects,

A blur, amidst the promise land awaiting you.

"The hook brings you back," the old Blues Traveler song, teases me into the present,

Along with nausea and electric shocks invading my skull,

Reprimanding me for missing last night's dose;

Only one phone call away to some sense of normalcy.   

The concept of normalcy alludes and taunts me in the same breath.

Normalcy- where symptoms are hidden behind a Venetian blind 

That opens to a myriad of side effects -

The root of the problem seldom removed, at best, subdued. 

Doctors turning tricks for drug companies, 

Naively believing, as did we, in the panacea that was promised-

That a miracle could be found in one tiny pill..

Or three...

Or four...

Or fourteen.

If not, and the bag of tricks runs dry,

"Perhaps it's in your head and you should try the psychiatrist down the street.

I heard he has a wonder drug that should help

With that new mental problem I've now added to your chart."

"The hook brings you back." Blues Traveler returns to my brain.

Perhaps a wise mystic, cautioning me.

Unbearable pain, nausea, and brain zaps are on the opposite side of that meager argument
 Persuading me otherwise;

And I'm not ready for the hell of  "discontinuation syndrome",  today.

I hold the empty bottle in my hand and reach for the phone.

I assuage the deep feeling of defeat and enslavement with one thought:

"They must not be that bad for me. My doctor took an oath":
 Do no harm.



My personal journey. Not intended for medical advice. Copyright 2013

Ben Affleck - A Winning Film Within the 2012 Films

"Ben Affleck" - the winning FILM (story) within the Oscars this year! The story: Main character fails, he learns. He gets kicked down, he stands up again...a little higher than before. And the moment the main character thinks all hope is lost, he rises above those who told him he was less. And the audience...oh the audience, is on the edge of their seats cheering him on! Because they've all been metaphorically in the same spot.
Inspirational! A must see (and remember) film of the year!!







Congrats to Ben Affleck and the rest of the Argo gang! Thank you for a brilliant film and teaching us a valuable lesson tonight! May you have many years of success!

Consensual

Overcome

by so much emotion,

my stained glass belly burst into a thousand pieces,

roaring through space and time,

ripping, 

tearing into your flesh, 

imprinting a piece of me

Onto,

In_to, 

You.

And, at last, I wonder. . .

have I the right?

Then, groping in the darkest recesses of my soul

find the broken finger that carries shame like a diamond ring,
Pointed awkwardly at me.
I hold it with grace, and turn it rightfully away.