Twice in a Lifetime

There is a set of lines, a bit sappy, found in the climax of many movies of the romantic genre. Said lines are usually uttered by a character, generally, a man who has lost his wife, accompanied by an orchestration of swelling violins and violas. As the the music reaches it's pique, the man sweeps a strand of the female's hair off of her forehead and gently caresses her cheek. Or if the director wants to go for added benefit, they will have him stand in the freezing rain, the female soaked in some floral patterned, cotton dress, the violins still at an all time screaming pitch. And at the moment of perfect catharsis, this amazing man will reveal the words that would make any breathing female's, heart skip a beat, "After my wife died, I honestly thought I would never find love again. I thought, if people were lucky enough to grab hold of it, true love only came along once in a lifetime. And I was content to go the rest of my life knowing I had shared something very special with one very special woman, something some people search their whole lives and never find. But now, you're standing before me, the second love of my life, and the only thing I can think, is don't let her go!" This of course is followed by an extremely romantic embrace and a kiss. (at this point I should add, I am not making light of those who have lost a spouse, just Hollywood)

The only reason for this very drawn out exposition is that, as corny as the latter lines may sound, I can't help but picture Fear that way sometimes. Not a simple, I'm a afraid of spiders Fear, although I'm sure that can leave some in a life altered state for a matter of...moments.

I'm talking about Fear that, almost as powerful as Love gripped you so strongly at one point in your life, you would be happily content if it never shared a cathartic moment with you in the freezing rain or placed it's sharp, boney fingers anywhere near your face.

But there's the rub. Although, Fear and Love can often be construed as opposites, Fear is the one thing that has touched me as deeply and intimately as a lover.

And although, I would be content if I went the rest of my life without this invader uninvitedly seducing it's way into the very marrow of my bones, naked and raw, making me wish to crawl out of my flesh, I must admit, we've shared something -- a kiss. He has seen me at my darkest moments. He has tucked me into bed, wishing to smother me in the blankets which nestle me in safety.

However the one truth I hold to is that Love is stronger, more alive and palpable than Fear.

This very week my unwelcome invader tried to sneak his way back into my heart, seducing me with his muffled logic -spewing that the depths of what we've shared only comes along once in a lifetime, that he had searched the whole world and couldn't find another with whom he had experienced the same level of intimacy. He grabbed the locks of my hair, twisting them, ensnaring them in the space where his joints barely met at the knuckle. And in a scotch and cigar infused wheeze, he whispered that he realized he was lucky enough to find me once, and now, that I was caught again in his embrace...he would never let me go.

My heart skipped a beat...

For a moment, I surrendered, briefly paralyzed by the vitriolic fumes of his breath. But, then I realized... I've been to the deepest, darkest pits with this monster's boney fingers wrapped around my neck, and I have SURVIVED! I have come face to face with my hellish predator, who longs for nothing but my destruction, and I have survived! And I will continue to survive! Each time I stand firmly and look him in the face, allowing Love to replace what he has to offer, that boney grasp loosens its grip. It's only a matter of time really, until his skeletal remains have not even the strength to lift a pinky finger. And on that day he will have no choice, but to let me go.

by Tracy Medberry 2011 (not that you want them but all rights reserved)