Wrestling With God

This is an extreme sport and one at which I am very adept. It requires sheer determination and and an ability not to back down. And like most sports this one will leave you tired and worn out in the end. Unlike most sports one wrestling match of these sorts can go on for months and months. And believe me when I say the match does not usually end with the sheer exhilaration one might have after climbing a 100 foot peak or scoring the winning run in your league's final softball game. After all the frustration and torment I, the wrestler, cling to during one of my marathon sessions with God, I usually begin to realize I have two options 1.) to let God win and find myself broken before him or 2.) or to try to assume I am somehow a match for God and stay on the mat. The first option is usually an easier route once I am willing to trust and to change. But the two words trust and change usually leave me in this match for much longer than I intended.

Because quite frankly I am have a hard time trusting God without images of Job coming into my mind. I mean, if I relent and let God win the match, I am often left with the feeling, "OK God what are you going to do to me next?" "Is my house going to burn down?" "Are you going to send pestilence (been there)?" "Is my skin going to erupt with rashes (done that)?"....

Am I going to face depression... Will I be able to see Your face when I go to that dark place and cry over and over and over, "Please take this away." I realize post partum depression isn't very likely as I don't plan to have any more children. But the thought of, "Why didn't God save me from that?" is still very present and very real in my mind. And that no doubt explains my issue with trust.

I am pretty sure it's about time for me to let God win this round. No doubt I will find myself broken before him. No doubt I will have to change. But it's probably time to trust again.